A series of previous blogs:

1. MOM

“It’s not time yet.”  Words my mom spoke on Dec 29 2010 as she looked out the window. Time for what I asked mom. She gently shook her head no and continued starring out side. Her way of saying lovingly I can’t tell you. It was her secret. But as the days to come occur her secret was explained to me.   On Dec 30th there was a really bad ice storm here in WV.  I got within 1/4 mile of moms house and could not get up the hill due to it being a sheet of ice.  I was forced to turn around and go back home.  Her live in nurse was there and would have to be the one who cared for her that day, no matter how much I wanted it to be me.  However I got to call and talk to mom.  She wasn’t feeling well but she was still doing ok.   Dec 31 came and the weather had improved.  I was able to get to moms and was visiting with her when she had what we at first thought was a very bad muscle spasm in her arm.  Her arm was straight out and she shook a little.  I wondered if it was a seizure but the nurse said it was just a spasm spell.  Once it was better mom told me and her nurse how she was not feeling well and had a horrible headache.  She didn’t want to eat or drink she just wanted to rest….  All day long I sit by her bed just being with her.  That afternoon she finally told me she would like some chicken nuggets from McDonalds.  I gladly told her I would go get them.  She told me she loved me and told her I loved her too… and off I went.   20 minutes to McDonalds,  got the nuggets and back to moms I go.  As I pull into the driveway I see an ambulance with lights on.  I go inside to find them putting my mother on a gurney and she is not with it.  I go in to the kitchen to find out what happened and I’m told by her nurse that she had another “spell” and it wouldn’t end so the nurse called the ambulance.   I followed them to the local hospital and called my 2 brothers.  As I sit there with mom she kept going in and out of consciousness.  The doctor allowed my brothers to come back and we all three was with mom….  When they came in to check on her we all had to leave.  Mom looked right at me and told me she loved me then went back to sleep.  I stood outside the ER door waiting and when the doctor came out they said they were sending her to Ruby Hospital.  They think she had a stroke.  I went back inside while we waited for the ambulance to get there.  Moms heart rate slowly started falling.  I yelled for someone to come in quick.  The doctor came in and hit mom with his knuckle squarely in the middle of the breast bone and she gasped for air and her heart came back up.  They hurriedly got her in the ambulance and off to Ruby Hospital we went.   I knew on that drive to Ruby Hospital, that this was the last trip to the hospital I would be making for my mother.  My entire life with her started playing through my mind like a movie.  And the tears flowed.   When we got to the hospital we were told that she was getting tests.  Once the tests were done and she was in a room the doctor came to us and had us come to his office.  He showed us her test results.  Her lungs were covered with cancer and so wasn’t her brain.  The “spells” she was having was the cancer on the brain.  Not a stroke.  He told us then it was terminal and mom had Meer days, or hours.    I remember turning around and walking out while the doctor was still talking.  I went to the room where mom was and I hugged her like I had never hugged her before.  I swear if I could have gotten into that bed with her I would have, just like I did as a little kid.  Jan 3 the doctors told us mom was being kept alive by the machines she was on.  We as her kids had to make a decision.  We didn’t want mom dying on dads birthday, which was Jan 3.  So we told the doctors to wait.  I think we were all hoping for a miracle…. Jan 4th after spending the entire day by moms side, we knew it was time to say goodbye.  We told the doctors we’d be back the next day and they could take her off the machines then.     Jan 5, 2010 we gathered around mom.  We told her how much we loved her. We sang her favorite hymns to her.  We hugged her and each other and then we told the hospital staff to let her go….  I held moms hand and I whispered in her ear, it is time now mom.  I love you.  And she was gone.   Losing mom that day was the hardest thing I’ve ever faced in my life.  I lost part of myself.  For 39 years my mom was my best friend.  Loving, smart, beautiful and full of wisdom.  And she was always there.  Her presence alone fixed any situation I had.  And now she was gone.  Life seemed suddenly empty.   (SIGH) Watching the final season of This is Us has been the hardest thing for me yet like a train wreck I can’t look away.  Because the feelings and things the Pearson kids are going through in this tv series this season, is so spot on.  The actors/actresses on this show are incredibly talented and authors of the story are portraying it as it really is.  Each week as Rebecca gets worse, I cry with them, and I am taken back to the time I lost my mom…  In some odd way though, reliving my real grief as I watch the grief on this series has been therapeutic.  I don’t know that at the time I was able to fully process what was going on or even appreciate the little things that I got to share with mom before the end.  When in the show, Kevin Pearson holds Rebecca’s hand to put lotion on it I am reminded of all the little moments I got with my mom doing similar things and oh what a blessing I see those moments as being now.  As Randall Pearson brushes his moms hair, I’m reminded of the many times I was able to brush my moms hair.  As Kate goes on walks with her mom or reads her a book, I can recall doing similar things with mom as well.  Little moments that at the time were lost on me, are know being shown to me in a way that I see are treasured times.   So thank you to all the actors/actresses for doing such a suburb job in this series… all series long not just the last one.  But especially the last one.  Losing parents is sadly part of life, but you are showing the realness to your viewers.  And perhaps someone else, like me, is finding healing through our tears at the loss of our own parent….  

2. ZIGGING OR ZAGGING?

Life is indeed a path… but the older I become I’m realizing that it’s not a straight line like so many people make it seem. You won’t go from point A to point B to point C, etc. in a neat and orderly fashion as many have tried to make me believe. Now while some may indeed do just that, I have seen many more who zig zag all over the place, and I’m one of those. And I’m learning that that’s ok. Because that zig zag, is MY path. And my path and the adventures I go on are what help me grow as a person and learn as an adult. Believing these lies that you have to go down the list from point A to B to C, etc. has left me as well as others I’ve spoken to, feeling like a failure. Because that’s not how it’s turned out for us. And It’s taken me wandering in the woods so to speak to realize I’m not a failure. I’m simply living life as it was intended. Now I’m not saying don’t make plans. One should always make plans for their life. It’s the greatest thing to have a plan, or a goal for your life. But don’t make the mistake I did. When life throws you a curve and you find yourself on a different path then you planned, don’t assume you failed. Just reevaluate your original plan and see if maybe where you are now isn’t better then what you were planning. When I was a teenager I planned to be a teacher like many of my family members were. It was what I had heard family members say I should do and I wanted to pick the right path. Yet my talents were in computers and helping people with their problems. So when I became an adult, I had to make the decision of what path I wanted. Thinking one path was all I’d get. Boy was I wrong. I have found that each decision I’ve made in my professional and personal life has led me to yet another path, and another and etc. And that’s what it’s all about. Each path I’ve taken I’ve learned some very valuable information, whether it be personal or professional, and I have been able to take that and apply it to the next path. As I go down this journey called life, I am finding all those paths behind me have been what I needed to get where I am now. When I look back on life there are certain paths I wish I hadn’t taken but truth is without them I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I did that helped me chose better next time. I stumbled and I fell along the way but I feel where I am right now is a great place and I look forward to seeing where else my journey will take me.

3. February 24, 2021

When I was a kid I was my dads shadow.  Wherever dad was, there I was.  I watched him fix cars, things around the house and as I got older he’d let me help.  For my 10^th birthday my uncle Ronnie was a DJ at a local radio station, and he played Daddy’s Girl by Red Sovine for me from my dad. It was so special to me.  Soon after that though things began to change.  I loved my dad but his aloofness and obsession on saving my brother J really hurt me.  Mom always said I was a lot like dad and that was why he and I always fought…. And that just made me mad.  I didn’t want to be anything like him.  There was a time that I felt so much anger and resentment towards him. After all he was suppose to be the one who protected me and I felt he sided with J no matter what J did and abandoned me in the process. As a result he and I seemed to fight more than anything over the following years. Near the end of his life, he made some choices that hurt my mom.  I wanted nothing to do with him.  Dad had heart issues and in April of 2003 dad got the flu.  He spent a couple days in the hospital. They released him and told him to just drink lots of fluids and rest.  We all figured all was good.  Then the night of April 5th my mom called me and told me to come up because dad collapsed and the ambulance was coming after him.  I got there as they were leaving so I never got to say anything to my dad….  And I just assumed I’d get to talk to him later.  I stayed with mom while my oldest brother, went to the hospital with Dad.  An hour or so later R came back….  I'll never forget. He walked in the house, walked right by me and went straight to mom and started crying.  I ran in to see what was going on and R told us dad never made it to the hospital.  He died in the ambulance from a heart attack.  Just like that with no warning dad was taken from us.  I was numb.  I was unsure how to feel or what to do…. R walked off to give mom space So I just held mom and let her cry.  It was a good 6 months before I truly allowed myself to just break down and cry.  But I still had so many feelings of hurt and anger towards him.  My last conversation with my dad was earlier in the day of April 5^th.  He was talking about the tower of babel in the bible.  I don’t remember what he said but I do know he made no sense to me with what he said.  When he walked away I looked at mom and asked what that was about.  She didn’t know and we went on with our conversation.  I hate that our last conversation was me ignoring him basically.   I’m about to move into my first home.  A friend & I are buying a home together and I’m so excited.  But there are things I wish dad was here to help with.  There’s things that needs fixed and I know that dad could fix it.  He fixed everything when I was a kid.   I have NOT felt the need for my dad in a very long time so feeling the need for him now took me by surprise and made me go down this rabbit hole of sorts.  Maybe I’ve finally healed after all this time.  IDK what the difference is but I hope where ever dad is now that he knows I’ve always loved him…. It was just buried under hurt and confusion.  Maybe I’ve always been a daddys girl and just didn’t know it. 

4. GOD PROVIDES

Growing up my mom always reminded me when I was stressing over something that if God can take care of the birds he can take care of us so don’t worry about the problem and trust him. She was referring to the scripture in Matthew 6:26 which says, ” Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Many times she reminded me of this during my adult life as well. And it always helped me refocus and realize God’s got me…. Moms been in heaven for 9 years now and I sadly admit that I started to forget that wonderful reminder. But God had a very beautiful way of reminding me. While visiting my uncle and cousins the other night, I got the blessing of reading a note my aunt Patty wrote possibly in the summer of 2016. In this note she talked about watching a bird nest being made by the “parent birds” and baby birds hatching and how every single thing needed was taken care of. She talked about the way God had it all worked out and how he was in control. She wrote how we just need to trust him, even when we don’t understand things, because God’s got it under control. As I was reading my aunts note I felt a very large weight being lifted off my shoulders. I’ve struggled for months trying to understand and make heads or tails of things going on in my life… unsure how to handle things. Worrying how to make it all work. But God used my aunt Patty’s note to remind me of my mothers lesson about worrying…… God takes care of the birds, so he has got me (& you). Being reminded of that helped me sigh in relief. I don’t have to figure it out. God’s in control. I just need to trust him. My first day on the job, was right after Christmas and my boss at the time was taking down the Christmas tree.  I was helping her, and noticed she was going to throw away a poinsettia that she had under the Christmas tree.  It was brown with no leaves, so she assumed there wasn’t anything left of it.  I asked her if I could keep the poinsettia because I didn’t think it was dead.  She allowed me to keep it.  I placed it in the window seal of my office, so it’d get great light, and I watered it often.  Within months I had new leaves beginning to bud and soon it began growing and flourishing again.  A few years later it got knocked over by accident a limb got torn off.  I stuck that broken limb down in the dirt with the rest of the flower.  I continued to water it and leave it in good light, and before I knew it, the broken limb started growing as well.  I now have a new branch that is almost as tall as the original and full of new leaves.  As I sit here and reflect on that experience, I realize this flower can very well represent a lot about life.  In the beginning it grew, and it was beautiful and full, and everyone loved it.  Because it was flourishing and so beautiful people saw its worth and wanted that around them.  But the flower wasn’t watered properly and didn’t get the sunlight it needed so it withered away and was left for the trash.  Yet when given a second chance and given the water and sun it needed it started to grow again.  Then when a broken limb occurred it didn’t just die off, it started anew and soon began flourishing again. Just like that flower, when people are doing good and flourishing, those around them will fully see their worth and will want them around.  But then when for whatever the reason that person quits thriving and starts losing leaves so to speak, people will suddenly think you’re not worth their effort or help and want to trash you, instead of help you get back to where you were.  Also, hardships will happen.  And you will lose a proverbial limb.  But just like my poinsettia, don’t be afraid to start a new.  The chances are in your favor that you’ll end up growing bigger and better as a result.  Know your own self-worth and know even if someone does “toss you away” you can start over and maybe even outshine where you were.  Moral of the story this poinsettia taught me is… never give up.  There’s always hope. 

5. FORGIVENESS KNOWS NO TIME

Written January 25, 2019

There once was a boy who got into the wrong crowd.  At the age of 13 he started doing drugs and getting into trouble with the law.  He made life incredibly rough on his parents and siblings.  He finally met a young lady that the family all loved, and she became pregnant.  At 18 this young boy became a father to a beautiful little girl.  He loved his wife and his daughter but the drugs and wrong influences were still in his life.  Because of these habits and influences, he made wrong choices. In spite of that his wife tried to stick with him and 6 years after his first child, he had a son with her.  But things were so rocky between him and his wife due to his behaviors and habits, that she left him.  I always felt that broke him but he wouldn’t allow his pride to admit it.  He continued to get in trouble with the law, which kept him in and out of jail. The drugs and other bad habits continued.  There was so many times this now young man had accidents that should have killed him but he survived.  His family kept telling him that he needed to get back to God.  God was saving him for a reason.  But the young man wouldn’t believe it and continued down his rough and rowdy road.  He later met another woman he would marry, and they would have 2 children together.  Sadly though, both of those children died by the age of 2.  The death of his children has haunted him since they happened. Along with his 2 youngest children, his parents are both deceased as well. His 2 oldest children rarely have anything to do with him.  His siblings keep in contact but are not close to him.  Over a year ago he found out he has lung cancer and that he also has an aneurysm in his brain.  Tormented soul, sick body…. this man needs God.  But he doesn’t feel he’s good enough…  Last night this man called his brother and asked him to take him to their mothers grave.  It was her birthday and he needed to “see” her.  His siblings both came to get him and they all three went together to see him.  When this man got in the car and saw his sister in the back seat the tears flowed from his eyes.  he grabbed her hand and just cried.  she asked him what whats wrong and he said im sorry. She knew he was asking for forgiveness for the torment he caused her personally as a child. She told him it was ok, he was forgiven and he sobbed harder. He kept talking of his health and how he wanted to just die but God won’t let him.  His sister told him God has plans for him still.  He needed to get back to God.  The man shook his head and cried some more.   He was silent for a while then turned back around to his sister and grabbed her hand again. “I’m just so tired i want to quit fighting” He weakly said. “You can’t quit fighting” she told him.  “That’s not how mom raised us.”  he nodded and cried even more.  He sit there solemnly the rest of the way to their parents graveside. Once at the cemetery, they all got out of the car but his sister stood back a ways and prayed for him as he was bent over hugging the grave of their mother. He was kissing the stone and telling her how much he loved her.  He needed to get it out.  He needed to show her the love he had but never showed her in life.  It was a heartbreaking sight. When he was done he came back to the car where his siblings were waiting and he cried some more.   It was then that the siblings found out he had a gun.  He had plans to shoot himself right there at their mothers grave.  But said he couldn’t do it. He felt God tell him it wasn’t time. Even if just a little, healing took place in the pain.  I know God was with them in that car and at the cemetery. 

6. LITTLE COUNTRY CHURCH

January 25, 2019

It’s just a building I know this is true.

But it’s also a place of worship and to feel renewed.

Such peace and tranquility I feel whenever I’m there

 My favorite time is when I’m there alone, it’s so precious and dear.

Only the baptismal light is on as I sit on the front pew

I feel his warmth and welcoming arms so I know God sits there too

I speak to him of things I hold deep inside

I share with him everything – nothing I hide.

Like how my parents both were laid to rest in this room.

And how one day I will do the same, but pray it’s not soon.

How I was married here also, such a sweet life it was to be

That marriage soon ended but forgiveness is key

I tell God my heartaches I tell him my dreams

As I sit on the front pew under the roof and the beams.

As I sit there I realize this church is a safe haven to me

A place where I can recharge and just be.

Alone time is special but especially in a group

God’s there waiting when you’re ready to recoup.

So come visit this building when service is held

And during invitation hopefully you’ll be compelled 

Because yes this is just a building but Gods spirit’s within

So it’s always a place, whether night or day, to lay all burdens down and repent of your sins.

-Written by Diane C. Roy

7. JUST A THOUGHT...

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. Matthew 18:15

“Be on your guard. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and comes back to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” Luke 17:3-4

Growing up I always heard my grandpa talk about how you have to own up to your mistakes and stand up for yourself when you’re in the right. It’s something I have always tried to live up to. Today someone came to me and told me I did something that upset them. I could tell they were expecting an argument and seemed shocked when instead I discussed it with them and when I realized I in fact had done something wrong, I apologized to them and set things right. Later I got to thinking…. why were they so shocked I was willing to discuss and even admit I was wrong? And what’s worse is why was I so shocked they came to me to actually let me know what I did? The bible tells us this is how we’re suppose to handle situations like this. Yet so many people today either writes people off without giving them the chance to admit or deny the “charges” or there is a verbal and maybe even physical fight over it when someone is accused. I can’t speak for everyone else but news flash people I am not perfect. I’m going to make some mistakes – sometimes I will make some whoppers of mistakes. I’m human. But I’m also willing to admit when I know I’m wrong. I hope should someone ever offend me or do me wrong they’d be willing to listen to me when I came to them. Seems so simple to me, and a much more peaceful way to live… yet it’s sad that society as a whole can’t seem to comprehend the concept or apply it in their every day living. We all need to peacemakers….

8. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

November 16, 2018

I’ve been seeing a lot of people in religious roles as well as people I know who claim to be Christians with very ugly attitudes.  I realize we all have off days, but we need to be very aware that those in the world around us see how we act.  Your children, your friends, your coworkers, even that stranger you meet along the way…. They are all watching you and how you treat people in your life.  Our lives, and how we treat others is a testimony to those who see us.  The bible says in Matthew 5:16 “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” We really need to check ourselves daily.  Let our actions glorify God, not turn people off.  This is something I personally have to work on daily.  Perhaps that’s why this poem really touched me and helped put this very subject into perspective.

I’d Rather See A Sermon  

I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day;I’d rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way.The eye is a better pupil, more willing than the ear;Fine counsel is confusing, but example is always clear,And the best of all the preachers are the men who live their creeds,For to see a good put in action is what everybody needs.

I can soon learn how to do it if you will let me see it done;I can watch your hand in action, but your tongue too fast may run.And the lectures you deliver may be very wise and true,But I’d rather get my lesson by observing what you do.For I may misunderstand you and the high advice you give,But there is no misunderstanding how you act and how you live.

When I see a deed of kindness, I am eager to be kind.When a weaker brother stumbles, and a strong man stands behindJust to see if he can help him, then the wish grows strong in meTo become as big and thoughtful as I know that friend to be.And all travelers can witness that the best of guides todayIs not the one who tells them, but the one who shows the way.

One good man teaches many; men believe what they behold;One deed of kindness noted is worth forty that are told.Who stands with men of honor learns to hold his honor dear,For right living speaks a language which to everyone is clear.Though an able speaker charms me with his eloquence, I say,I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day. -Written by Edgar A. Guest

So be kind friends…. treat each other with love and respect and be a shining light in someones life.  And if you’re one who proclaims you’re a christian, allow your actions to mirror your words….

9. REFLECTING TIME:

“”Before I created you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I set you apart; I made you a prophet to the nations.” “Ah, LORD God,” I said, “I don’t know how to speak because I’m only a child.” The LORD responded, “Don’t say, ‘I’m only a child.’ Where I send you, you must go; what I tell you, you must say. Don’t be afraid of them, because I’m with you to rescue you,” declares the LORD.” Jeremiah 1:5-8 CEB

This verse gives me cold chills as I read it and soak in it’s meaning.  First off to think that before I was even conceived by my parents, that thousands of years before my existence, before my parents or grandparents existence, I was known by God.  Isn’t that mind blowing.  But then he goes on….  He set me apart.  Me. The girl who grew up feeling I didn’t measure up, that I wasn’t good enough. He set me apart. He has things for me to do that only I can do, and I can only do it in THIS time.  That thought blows my mind. The response by Jeremiah was something I can relate to as well… fear set in and he was like I can’t do this, I am like a child.  I don’t know what I’m to do.  And God responds “Don’t be afraid.  What I have for you to do can be done only by you but I’ll be there with you.  You got this!”  Think of it….  God says you got this!  I don’t know about you but for me, that encourages me a lot. God is telling me lately that there are areas in life that I must go…  He has a plan and purpose for me.  Yet I have been like Jeremiah. I really don’t want to go.  I don’t feel good enough or prepared. I have often said that I’m a wallflower and prefer to be left in the back ground.  Yet for months now I have felt God telling me that he has greater plans than that for me.  I am MORE than a wallflower to him.   He’s shown me that I’m to be out in front of people talking and being an inspiration.  That’s a concept that has taken me a while to embrace.  As I begin to accept it, new opportunities are opening up to me.  There is a song by contemporary Christian artist Chris Tomlin called, “Where you go I’ll follow”that reminds me of this same principal. It’s a beautiful song and if you’ve not heard it I suggest you listen to it. If we truly have faith and trust God’s plan for our life, then we need to follow him.  We need to go where he leads us to go.  He does after all have the best plan.  But we all sometimes get caught up in the fact that we don’t feel we can do it, or change is scary so we fight that with all we have.  I’d love to be at the point where when God says Go do this for me that without question or hesitation I just pick up my mat and walk.  That’s my goal.  But I’m not there yet. I still allow the fear of messing up or not saying the right thing hold me back.  But I am getting better.  I’m slowly trusting God and taking steps out into the unknown where I feel he’s leading me. Letting go of things people have told me I should do and following Gods lead is a very freeing feeling that’s helping me realize I really do have potential to do what Gods been telling me to do all along. I’m not where I want to be but when I stop and look back I realize I’m also not where I was.  I’m slowly making this journey forward and I know without a doubt, it’s going to be the most amazing thing ever when I reach my destination.

10. IN LIFE & DEATH

October 22, 2018

Some days, life issues get the best of me and I feel a sense of heaviness.  Tonight is one of those nights.  On these nights, I miss my mother more than usual.  She was my rock.  And no matter what happened in life, she seemed to be able to point out the bright side.  One of Mom’s favorite bible verse was Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” When I was 16 my mother ended up in the hospital with issues from ulcers on her legs.  I became her “nurse” so to speak in that I would bandage her legs, and help her with her medicines and anything else she needed.  For the next 5 years she fought different health issues that would sometimes keep her bed bound and other times just slow her down a bit.  When I was 21 my mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  She ended up retiring early and for the next 17 years my mother fought that horrible disease.  In 2000 it took her ability to walk.  But through all  of it, it never took her spirit.  She fought hard to remain upbeat.  Always willing to share her wisdom and her love with all who came in contact with her.  Her spirit amazed me.  After all life threw at her she still kept a smile.  And she often quoted that bible verse to me.  I think it is what kept her going.  Then the unthinkable happened.  New years eve 2010, Mom had a seizure that ended up getting her sent by life flight to WVU Hospital where she remained in a coma.  We found out then that she had lung cancer and it had metastasized to the brain and that is what caused the seizure.  5 days later mom passed away. I still don’t understand why this had to happen to her.  She was only 65 when God took her home.  To me that was way to young and I wish I would have had many more years with her. It’s going on 8 years that I’ve been without my mother and I still feel lost without her sometimes. I try to live life in a manner that she would be proud.  But I’m human and I don’t always do that.  I slip up and I make some mistakes – sometimes major mistakes – but I’m learning to give myself grace and learn from my mistake and move forward.  I’ve learned that I can’t change anything that has happened but I can change what will happen. I think of all this tonight because as hard as it’s been for me as an adult to live without my mother in this world, I worry about, and my heart breaks for a childhood friend’s family.  Her children are now learning this lesson of life without their mom as teenagers.  My friend was taken last month from this world unexpectedly and in a very evil way.  It doesn’t seem fair.  But death isn’t fair.  It doesn’t matter who or how or when.  It’s just not fair.  I grieve for my friend and her family….  but ironically it’s her family who is helping me tonight as I have this heaviness on my heart. I got a thank you card today in the mail from her family for the condolences I sent when my friend passed. Written on the thank you card was this verse.  Genesis 50:20 says “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good, to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”  See, my friend was an organ donor.  So with her death, she was able to give life to three people. Evil may have taken her life because it’s an awful situation, but God used that terrible situation and made good happen. Honestly, death is a hard thing for anyone to handle no matter your age.  But I believe it’s the lessons you learn from the loved ones life that matters most, and give us shimmers of hope.  With mom I learned that no matter what life throws at you, you do your best to be a light in the world.  With my friend, I’ve learned that you live your life to the fullest, and remember that the choices you make today can be a blessing to others tomorrow. I realize that as long as I’m on this earth I can make a difference in the lives of others, just as mom and Kim did.  God has placed me in the role of a bereavement coordinator.  As a result, I can help our patients loved ones process their own grief and see their own shimmer of hope.  What an incredible honor and privilege that is. As I’ve said before, one of my favorite poems is by Ralph Waldo Emerson.  The last line of this poem says this… “To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”  Mom and my friend both were successes. I pray in the end, I’m a success as well.

11. WAITING & LEARNING

August 29, 2018

I find myself in new territory tonight. Since I was 16 I have lived my life doing everything with my mother in mind.  I took care of mom from the time I was 16 until she passed when I was 39. My identity became moms caretaker. All I did was for her. When you’re the sole caretaker of your parent it consumes your life. And i don’t regret being there for mom. In fact I cherish the memories I got to create with her during that time.  But people don’t realize how much of yourself you sacrifice to care for a loved one. After mom passed I continued to do things with her in mind. I had gotten my Bachelors and masters degree as I promised her I would. I did various other things I had told her I would. And I had one last thing I needed to do… not realizing how it was going to set the stage to a new chapter in life. Mom and I had planned a trip to Erie PA & Niagara Falls Canada but then her health really declined and she couldn’t go.  She told me to go and tell her about it….. but I could never bring myself to go without her. This past July, with a dear friend, I made that trip.  While standing on the boat up close to the falls on the Canada side of Niagara I said out loud, “We’re here mom – I made it!”  It was a bitter sweet moment.  I felt her spirit with me, and it was wonderful. I also felt somehow freed by all the promises I had made to her. I had completed my list for mom. I can’t even describe the emotions that swept over me at that moment. Now I’m left wandering, “What do *I* want to do”.  And that thought scares me as well as excites me. Sometimes when I wonder what I want , I have this sense of being a complete failure.  Surely at my age I should know what I want and be well on my way to achieving it all.  I see so many people who are younger than me and they seem to have it all together, and yet here I am stumbling through life, and unsure of what my next step will be. Then I remember this isn’t everyone else’s journey.  It’s mine.  So I’m not failing…. Life is just changing. And once again I’m at a crossroads in life where I’m waiting and praying for God’s direction. But I’m not waiting idly – I’m finally working at putting my past to rest, I am learning how forgiveness can be freeing and life changing.  As I deal with the adversity I’ve had to deal with for over a year now for something I truly believe I’m being wronged over, I’m learning that I can go the distance.  I am stronger then I ever thought I was.   As I have friends I thought I could always count on suddenly leave me I’m learning that even though it hurts to lose those friends, I can make it on my own. I’m also learning God sometimes has to remove people from my life so I can grow and go the distance HE wants me to go.  This is a hard lesson for me. But as a result of that lesson I’ve learned that Gods grace is sufficient and will get me through. I’m learning that through it all, I’m a pretty great person with many talents and abilities that I can successfully share with the world to help make life better. I’m learning to like myself and give myself grace even when others won’t.  I’m growing so much as an individual. Hmmm. It seems while I’ve been waiting on the Lord to show me my next step, he’s been working on it all a long. I’m healing and closing a chapter and that will help me build a new foundation for that next step… the new chapter in my life. I’m not there yet but God is preparing me.  Isn’t God amazing. My grandpa always said every day you learn something is a good day… it is building you up for tomorrow.  Never really knew what he meant, but I think I’m understanding now.

12. NEW YEARS EVE

January 1, 2017

When I was younger (and for the record I’m not old now) I always thought New Years Eve was one of the most depressing days of the year.  Everyone always put such a heavy emphasis on getting together, partying and stay up way into the night.  Yet I’ve always been a little bit of an introvert.  So these things were not fun for me.  I tried the getting together with large crowds.  Yea I wanted to find a hole and crawl in it within 30 minutes of being there.  I tried the partying… I don’t see the glory in it myself.  And well staying up late is something that just doesn’t make much sense to me.  I may have sleepless nights but trust me I’d much rather sleep then be awake at night.  So to me New Years Eve was always a painful attempt to fit in…. it took me a lifetime to realize that it’s perfectly okay to be….. ME!  And I don’t want to do that stuff.  I love small gatherings with friends but I don’t wanna go to big parties and be so uncomfortable that I wanna hurl, and this is before I have alcohol pushed at me.  Yeah.. no thank you. My mom always said her favorite quote was “To thine own self be true” and that I should adopt that into my life if I wanted to be happy.  Well okay then.  I’ll get right on that. Not!   Don’t you wish that when the “older generation” shares wisdom like that with you that they would also explain it to you? I feel like I was one of the Israelite’s wandering around in the forest the last 40 years.  I hadn’t a clue what she meant by that.  I mean I knew she was on to something cause my mom was a very intelligent lady and well Mom knew everything.  But I didn’t know the depth of what she had said until I started accepting “ME”.  And even now as I grow as an individual I gain even more insight to what she meant with that quote. When I quit trying to put myself in a box, quit trying to be like others and started accepting that I don’t have to be like everyone else I started realizing I was happier.  I didn’t have to do what the population says is cool. I could do what I felt was cool, and it was okay.  See when God made me and you he really did break the mold each and every time!  God made each one of us to be uniquely different, and at the same time, have some of the same interests and abilities.  It’s what makes life interesting.  So I’ve learned to work with the way God designed me. Last night was New Years Eve…. I know of a lot of people who went to big parties and thought it was awful I was not doing the same thing.  Yet I think last night was the best New Years Eve of my life.  What did I do?  I stayed home! Yep.  A good friend came down, we watched movies, ordered out had some good conversation and then when she left I talked to another friend online for a bit then went to bed BEFORE midnight and woke up feeling blessed and thankful for a new day…. and a new year.  I didn’t allow society to force me to do things I just ain’t into.  And the more confidant I become in who I am and who God made me to be the happier I am.  I just wish mom was still here on this earth so I could tell her I finally get it.  I finally see what she meant when she told me “To thine own self be true.”